I was going to publish this on Amazon, but then I decided it’s not really self-publishing if you get someone else to do it.
Plus, it’s my baby.
So instead of donating 30% of every sale to some mega-corporation (currently worth over one hundred thousand million dollars), I’ve decided it would be better to publish it here and donate 50% of every sale to help promote literacy.
Seriously. Some people can’t read. That sucks ass.
And for those of you who can… I apologize in advance.
how i met Colleen Hoover:
Love HATE story
compiled by kenny dill / (un)authorized by Colleen Hoover
– dedicated to Colleen’s husband
Long may He reign!
Before We Ever Met
My Very First Stalker
Giraffes and Other Non-Sense
Let’s You and Him Fight
Fun & Games
Lucky Charms Porn
Always Be Networking
Love HATE Poem
Slander is a poison which kills charity, both in the slanderer and the one who listens.
— Saint Bernard
y dear, sweet, misguided Kenny,
Seriously? You seriously wrote a fucking BOOK? Wait, I take that back. You cannot even call this writing. You just stole the words from our private exchanges on various public forums (and from our personal emails!). And then you completely changed the context. Of everything. And everyone. For every single person. Except for me. I thought you were kidding when you said you were writing a book about me. GEEZ, Dill!
Which brings me to my next point. This book isn’t even about me. First, you misappropriate my private thoughts, and then you litter them all throughout this novel, which is really just a huge advertisement, interspersed with plugs for your own books. And my books. I still don’t know how I feel about that. Which brings me to my next point.
You obviously wrote this with the hopes that you could garner some extra sales based upon the current success of my books (which are actual books, by the way). And, truth be told, you might be right. Damnit, Kenny! Do you know how butterflying annoying that is? No, of course you don’t. You just think it’s funny. And it is. But seriously. If I would have ever known that you were going to LITERALLY stalk my every move since I first self-published in January, I would have never stalked you in the first place. I would have ran and hid. Like you tried to do. Well, shit.
However, since the majority of words contained herein are your own original content, I guess one could accurately say that this book is more about you than it is about me. And, you do say some funny shit in here, but unless the dear, sweet, misguided reader is actually familiar with either me or you or the cesspool that is the current state of public author forums on the internet, I really don’t see how this story is ever going to make you any sales. At. All. And why are the first three chapters soooooo fucking boring? Are you trying to build up tension or develop characters or something? What you are building up is apathy; what you are developing is fatigue. No one will ever get to all the genuinely good parts in the second half. Dumbass.
Besides, this book is largely about the present-day struggle of the independent author/publisher. That’s super boring, you know that. What were you thinking? You should probably pat yourself on the back for all of your “effort” and just trash it already. Go. Now. Book. Trash. Put this travesty behind you and then try to write something that people might actually care to read about. My story is just not that interesting. We are very, very un-interesting people, Dill.
You asked for my honest opinion, so there you have it.
p.s. The only thing this book has going for it is the cover. Oh, and I’m sure the formatting is very nice, too. Does nice formatting and a flashy cover sell books? I don’t think so.
p.p.s. It looks like you put a scrotum on my chin! Really? Did you draw that with your mouse? And a Hitler mustache?! You are quite the artist, Kenny Dill, but my horns DO NOT stick out that much.
p.p.p.s. I just…I have no words.
p.p.p.p.s. Correction, I have no more words. For you. Ever. I feel violated, I really do. Deeply. Repeatedly. Deeply and repeatedly. And in public!
p.p.p.p.p.s. Even so, I ache for what could have been.
p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Perhaps I would have liked it better if you had included all of my posts about how freakin’ awesome The Avett Brothers band is…well, I guess that would be a pretty long book. I see your point.
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Would now be a good time to ask you to remove my picture from your author profile?
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Seriously, Kenny?
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s. You wrote a fucking BOOK???
aka ~Co Ho
aka ~Big Hooves
Reader Kim reviewed how i met Colleen Hoover: a
Love HATE story
My god… I truly didn’t know what to expect from this, um… Book? Work might be a better descriptor.
I’m not sure anyone can really describe this. It feels like performance art at times and occasionally you feel like you’re on the outside of an inside joke, but then you are hit with something so hilarious that it makes you think everyone is. I can say two things with some certainty: 1) Kenny Dill is a conundrum; and, 2) Collen Hoover has to be one of the coolest successful authors around to let this fly.
Oh, and I’d love a book based on the grandmother character. I think I need to go back and read this again to see what I missed, but the fact that I actually want to do so says something… I’m just not sure if that something is good or bad.
Peter J. Iccoba reviewed how i met Colleen Hoover: a
Love HATE story
At first I was a little put off by the style of the book. I have never read anything in this style before, but I found myself sucked into it. I couldn’t stop. I started on my lunch break and just kept on reading while I was supposed to be working. My boss walked by and I hid the kindle under some papers, and then went back to it when he left. nOw that I have finished it, it’s a lot to think about. I know I will be reading it again very soon to put all the pieces together.
Carol Livingston reviewed how i met Colleen Hoover: a
Love HATE story
So this “book” is not what you may have come to expect from a “book”. But it does live up to what I have come to expect from Dill – which is pretty effing funny stuff. I haven’t yet finished reading the whole thing, but what starts out as odd and confusing, quickly becomes captivating as an actual plot is revealed. Well done. And Ms. Hoover’s input is certainly entertaining as well. Can’t wait to find out what she did to deserve the Hitler mustache!